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By Bradford Hornsby

The San Francisco Giants have won three World Series in less than ten years but for some reason the team seems to not be a favorite destination for free agents – whether they are Giants players leaving the Bay or players around the league joining the orange and black.

To find out the reasons why a free agent might stay away from the Giants we did an in depth scientific analysis of many of the factors. We used economic analysis, advanced Sabermetrics, nuclear physics, non-Euclidean geometry, a pinch of dowsing, and a haunted Cubs’ fan Ouija Board that only seemed to spell “GOAT” over and over and over.*

*In the spirit of full disclosure, we used none of the above.

1) AT&T Park Is Just Too Distracting

The ballpark is just too pretty. It is a definite distraction if you are a free agent that is coming from one of the leagues more homely parks like Toronto’s Rogers Centre or Tampa Bay’s Tropicana Field. The Bay, the brick, the wafting smell of delicious garlic fries … it will be just too much.

2) You Will Never, Ever Get A Statue At The Park In San Francisco

We’ve got Willie Mays, Juan Marcial, Orlando Cepeda, and Willie McCovey. Those are some giant (no pun intended) bronze shoes to fill. I bet it would be much easier to get a statue at one of the younger expansion teams or one that has had a long drought.

3) You Can’t Stand Nicknames (Especially Animal Ones)

The Giants are not the place for you. From Say Hey, MadBum, and Panda to The Beard, Buster, Baby Giraffe, and The Freak, the Giants and their fans love nicknames. Stick with Gerald and sign with the White Sox.

4) You Don’t Have Salon Quality Hair

Angel Pagan, Brandon Crawford, enough said.

5) Even Though You Stand To Make Millions You Don’t Want To pay California State Taxes

I know that no one likes to pay taxes but seriously you are going to have plenty left over and California needs good K – 12 schooling. Fine be that way. Just so you know, only seven states have no income tax: Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Texas, Washington, and Wyoming. That leaves you Miami Marlins, Tampa Bay Rays, Texas Rangers, Houston Astros, and Seattle Mariners – none of which made the playoffs last season. But it is okay be like Wesley Snipes and skip taxes.

6) You Hate Chowder In Sourdough Bread Bowls

This may rule out Yankees, Mets, Red Sox, Mariners, Orioles, and Nats. Try a Midwest team where the best seafood is at Red Lobster and load up on those wonderful Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

7) You Are A Lifelong Dodger Fan Or You Want To Play For The Dodgers Someday

We can forgive the fandom as you may have been raise by wolves, escaped mental patients or toothless (pronounced tooflesh) Carnival maintenance people but realize that if you ever leave the Giants and sign with the Dodgers you will be dead to us. Like Fredo to Michael Corleone. Just ask Brian Wilson. D E A D.

8) You Hate Wearing Orange

While we wear orange, white, black and grey, we do understand the aversion. We are fashion-forward thinkers in the Bay. FYI don’t bother taking meetings with the Marlins, Mets, Orioles, Tigers, or Astros. Certain throwback days for the Padres are out too but you can just fake a migraine or something to avoid the fashion issue.

9) The Weather Is Too Mild

You prefer humidity? Okay to each their own. I once knew a guy who ate canned salted herring on toast for breakfast every day. He smelled like a sea lion. But once again – to each their own.


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