By Alyssa Pereira

I had heard stories about the Armory.

A veritable castle plopped in the intersection between SOMA and the Mission in San Francisco, it’s rumored to be the studios of Kink.com, a well-organized, lucrative porn site based in the Bay Area. Once in a while, they’ll hold parties there for holidays, private events, and even “Game of Thrones” charity benefits.

While I wouldn’t exactly call “Hell in the Armory” a Halloween party, it certainly was something to behold.

Walking into the Armory is, as my date put it, “a bit like walking into a haunted high school auditorium.” The room is dark and huge, and features a set up of dusty old vintage furniture, creaky tables and knick-knacks. There area few photo booths and snack bars, and an impressive giant sculpture of a demon.

After a bit of waiting, the guide ushered our group—a mix of 12 or so people—into the haunted house.

(Courtesy of Kink.com)

(Courtesy of Kink.com)

Without giving too much away, it is advertised as an “adult themed, immersive theater/tour experience of horror in the basement sets of the world’s largest porn studio” and it is exactly that. The house won’t let you forget that it is a production made possible by an adult entertainment company.

However, that doesn’t necessarily mean sexy. There’s a lot of naked people (because obviously), but there’s also copious amounts of blood, lots of gore, and a few demonic spirits darting about. It’s a batty, spooky, sort of campy, bona fide Rated-R-for-nudity haunted house. It’s exactly the sort of thing you can only do in San Francisco.

(Courtesy of Kink.com)

(Courtesy of Kink.com)

A bit unexpectedly, the actors, actresses, contortionists and musicians (yes, there are actually several singers and instrumentalists) haunting the course are exceptional. Essentially, it’s more of a theatrical production than anything else, and all its players are pretty skilled improvisers and performers, as is whoever is doing all the makeup.

(Courtesy of Kink.com)

(Courtesy of Kink.com)

At 60 minutes in length, it’s a perfect amount of time, and well, it was not a bad way to spend a Wednesday night.

Plus, is there a better excuse for not being able to hang than that you’re going to a BDSM-themed haunted house produced by a porn company in a San Francisco castle?

Nope.

Tips for attending:

– Wear comfortable shoes. You won’t be running or anything, but if you scare easily, you might not want to be startled while  wearing tall heels.
– Don’t bring a bulky bag. There’s nowhere to put it, and my date had a tough time navigating a couple tight spaces with a big backpack.
Make a reservation, because you can’t buy tickets at the door. If you go during the week, make it earlier, so you can enjoy a cocktail at The Armory Club across the street with the discount drink ticket they give you upon leaving.
– You can take BART there. Get off at 16th and Mission and walk two blocks to 14th and Mission.
– Get your tickets now. The show runs until November 1.

 

Related Content:

Comments

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

More From Alice@97.3

S&V Podcasts!
Dedicate A Bay Bridge Light
The Looking Glass

Listen Live